On Medication & Doctors

[Unpopular opinion/story alert]. If this offends you this your permission to scroll by, to not read it, and to go about your day as if you never saw this.

I am on depression medication. In fact I recently had to switch from one medication to another because after almost 10 years of being on medication I finally discovered that my depression was anxiety induced not depression induced anxiety. So I actually need a medication that was better at treating the anxiety. (This fact alone will make some people question my credibility, but wait it will get even "worse".) I made the switch and didn't really notice that my days were getting better. I noticed that the dark cloud no longer hovered over me but didn't really notice much else. Until I had a really really bad day. When suddenly, I found myself just begging cars to hit me while I was driving. I wanted out of the misery so badly. As of a week or two ago that had been a completely normal every day feeling. It's interesting how it takes a bad day to realize how far you've come. (Before you freak out. 1, I was alone in my car when I was begging for these things. 2, you still have some bad days as your brain gets used to the meds. it will NOT last. been down this road often enough that I know this.)

I am so incredibly grateful for medication. For doctors who care. And a chemist who wanted to make my life better. So that thoughts of suicide/death and incredible fear don’t have to be my normal. I am thankful for pharmaceutical companies that sell this medicine. This is what makes me unpopular on so many levels and I have wrestled with that so much. I am finally coming to a place where it's ok. My generation is anti-doctor, anti-medicine, anti-pharmacy, anti-sometimes it feels like EVERYTHING. I live in an age where a favorite blogger or influencer has more authority than a doctor. Where 'knowledge' is far more attractive than trust. I am becoming ok with being the oddball in this conversation. I have been hit with all sides of the arguments and I came out shakey but pro-medication, pro-doctor, and pro-chemist.

I have heard influencers say that my medication just dumbs me down and is a bandaid to the real problem. I have believed them and tried their natural products, the ones that will get to the root of the problem, only to get worse and worse. I have heard them say that pharmacy's/pharmaceutical companies are basically the 'anti-Christ' and the governments way of controlling us, (seriously it's a thing) and gotten scared because I was on medication and it was helping me and maybe I too was being "mind controlled". I have heard them say that doctors are just trying to shove medicine down our throats cause they get 'rich' doing that and struggled to trust my doctor. I have heard them say that my illness is satanic and I need to renounce the works of satan in my life if I want to get better. Or at the very least question my Christianity because of my illness. While I agree that we need to tackle depression and mental illness from more than one angle. I completely disagree that the brain can be elevated to the level of infallibility. That place only belongs to God. I live in an imperfect world where bad things happen to good people because we were given the choice between perfection and knowledge and we chose knowledge. In that choice we unleashed evil into our world and with that evil, imperfection, with that imperfection, illness. Things go wrong with bodies. They just do. Sometimes for what seems like no reason. Even to the 'crunchy, anti-doctor, 'super-spiritual'' people. I have witnessed it personally.

I have also seen friends and loved ones buried under the weight of depression and illness, refusing to receive treatment because it went against what someone else told them about doctors and medication.

Which leads me to this question, what if your blogger friend or influencer is wrong?

What if the chemists that created this medication really wanted to help people? What if they did a little dance when their first patient recovered from anxiety and suicidal thoughts? It's important to note that the Pharisee didn't like Jesus' healing works either, they said it was "of the devil", because it happened on the Sabbath or because they were jealous, or because they didn't think he was credible. While I would never equate the scientists of the day with the Son of God, it is something to consider. We don’t understand how it works and decide it must be evil. We see people get rich or at the very least popular because of the meds they sell and decide there cannot be anything good in it.

What if your doctor actually did go to med school to HELP people? To make you feel better? What if his/her goal was to see people healed and thriving? My doctors are human, I don't think they are infallible but the one thing I have never doubted was that they wanted what was best for me. Their goal has always been to help me find health with medication or without. I understand what it’s like to be scared or encounter doubts because of what the influencers are saying. But seriously, why are we trusting influencers who haven’t went to school to learn how our bodies work and heal instead of the doctors who spent at least 10 years studying this? Where are we putting our faith?

I realize that pharmaceuticals are a very lucrative business and that there are evil things that go on in that system. But I also know that lives have been saved and at the very least transformed because they exist. I realize that some doctors have impure motives. But they aren't all like that. Some of them actually want to help people find healing and stability, some of them are saving lives and even calling their patients on their own lunch break because they care that much.

I also realize that some of you will read this and decide I truly am nuts and misguided and will choose to unfollow me. That's totally fine. It was bound to happen sometime. This post isn't for you. It's for that person struggling because they think medication might help but are terrified of what their friends will think. I want that person to know I understand. I know how scary medication looks in todays world of ‘anti’s’, essential oils and vitamins. I have heard all the arguments and I too have struggled through them. I have faltered. I have felt shame for being broken and needing help. I have questioned my Christianity. I have begged God to heal me and take this illness from me. I'll be real, it hurts my pride to take a pill everyday. . . some days it feels like my testimony is worthless because of it. One day I will be whole, but God hasn't chosen to let that happen yet. He has chosen to work through chemists, doctors, AND the pharmaceutical company to bring me to a place of stability. Because of those pills, I am reminded every day that this world is NOT heaven, in fact it is the furthest thing from perfect and that in the garden of Eden I too would have chosen knowledge and disobedience.

I am here to tell you, fearful and struggling friend, that there are beautiful, tenderhearted doctors out there. I have one for my kids and one for me. They both care deeply about their patients well being. They do NOT give out meds like candy in fact they are very cautious to prescribe medication. They are also some of the kindest people I know. I am here to say it's ok to trust that doctor. It's ok to take the medication he/she prescribes for you. Your Christianity is not in question. Your brain can fail just like your heart and pancreas can. We do not live in a perfect world and sometimes things just break down. It's ok to need help and find that help from doctors and pills. God has gifted these people to help you. If you can find that help naturally I am so happy for you, but if not, there's no shame in needing something a chemist "made". As my husband says nothing comes from nothing, even meds have natural occurring elements in them. Only God has the power to make something out of nothing. God's path for you may include medication, please don’t fight it. Don’t let the enemy or other people guide you, seek Him, and trust Him. It might not be the path you would have chosen, but it will be ok and once you are at a place of stability again you will be able to see that so much more clearly. I realize you have no more reason to trust me than the other influencers out there. But I decided to share anyway. Because it is part of my story and very few people share this side of things. If sharing my experience helps even one person it was worth the risk of sharing it.

Please know that I don't want to create shame here for people who have found help through natural products. I use natural products too, they just haven’t been enough to stabilize my anxiety and depression. I have however witnessed them working for friends and loved ones and rejoice with them. They, in many ways, are living my dream. If God didn’t heal me, I at least wanted natural products to work for me. But that was not my path.

It is important to note that i have turned off all commenting on this post. I realize it's controversial in todays day and age and honestly, I don't want to argue about my experience. If you choose to email me on this topic, I may or may not reply due to your tone. You are welcome to disagree. The internet has become a place to bully people and say things that you would never say to someones face. I want my space on the web to be a safe place for people who need medication as well as those who don’t. I don't want them to encounter that kind of negativity here. There's enough of that all over the web.